Thursday, 2 October 2014

Aviary (N + 7)

image source here


Her lethal workforce

That always hit the bullion’s eyelid

Are missing their tart

Each single strategy of her triathlon

Is hissing towards her needle woman

To pour venue

Medusa is trapped

In her own quietism of sticky life

Fragrant tuba blooms

                                  

As you sow so you reap

Addictions are not so cheap

 


Posted for MTB where the prompt is to write Oulipo poems


The original poem:


Autocrat

Her lethal words

That always hit the bull’s eye

Are missing targets

Each single strand of her tress

Is hissing towards her neck

To pour venom

Medusa is trapped

In her own quicksand of sticky lies

Fragrant truth blooms

                      

As you sow so you reap

Adages are not so cheap

 

18 comments:

  1. as you sow you reap... yeah... that is true...
    loved.. In her own quietism of sticky life
    Fragrant tuba blooms...

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  2. The last line puts the whole poem into perspective - indeed addiction never comes cheap.

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  3. fragrant tuba blooms--ha! No addictions do not come cheap. As you sow, indeed. Thank you.

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  4. Well. I say, a poem must be rather out of perspective if you can substitute every noun in it this way. Then words do not count. They are only signals, meant to create unrest.

    Your original poem is nice, though. Telling lies is always to fall in a trap.

    Have a nice day! :-)

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  5. addictions are not so cheap works as a closure and still bears the weight of truth...the quietism of sticky life...another cool turn of phrase that may never have come otherwise...

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  6. i like both the versions and the moral of the poems too!!

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  7. What interesting changes from poem 1 to poem 2. I do hope that Medusa in poem 2 regrets her lies; and being trapped in quietism sounds painful indeed!

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  8. Interesting transformation. Missing 'their tart' is certainly different from 'missing targets'. It does not fell quite so bad.

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  9. You started out with a great original and this turned it into something fun. Life can be sticky--so true.

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  10. Nice take on the prompt; I, too, zeroed in on the cool lines /Medussa is trapped/in her own quietism of sticky life/ Oddly the images, lines, metaphors that leap our of N+7 are often humorous, but also astonishing; really dug the exercise.

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  11. Groovy experiment- enjoyed both poems. Loved- "In her own quietism of sticky life"

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  12. Very meaningful last lines :-)

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  13. There are a couple of really nice combinations...overall, considering the construction, it flowed nicely.

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  14. I just love that the truth can be a tuba... ~ nice

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  15. Hahah - Addicted to tuba blooms. I can see that in some hallucinogenic kind of way! Well done.

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  16. So true...addictions don't come cheap and they definitely take their toll.

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